Corporate Communication at Its Best: Short, Straightforward, Candid

1. The Garage Light
Bring your garage or workshop out of the dark ages with the Garage Light. Hit it with a hammer, whack it with a golf club, hell, run into it with a truck—this light’s going to keep on shining. It’s designed to be durable, efficient and easy-to-install, so it’s the last light your space will ever need. You can even forget about flipping switches—our optional occupancy sensor does it automatically.

The Garage Light is the perfect fixture for any size garage, large or small—but you want to make sure you’re lighting it right! Here’s our basic guidelines:

For typical garages with ceilings up to about 14 ft, you’ll need one Garage Light per car bay. (Single-car garage? Get one light. Two-car? Get two. Sixteen-car? Hot damn, get 16.)

For garages with high ceilings—14 ft or above—just double that. So if you’ve got a single-car garage, get two fixtures; if you have a two-car garage, get four; and for that 16-car garage, grab 32 fixtures. Simple!

2. Less Is More: You’re About to Receive Less Email From LinkedIn
Many of you have told us that you receive too many emails from LinkedIn. We’re also not immune to the late night talk show host jokes. We get it. And we’ve recently begun to make changes so that the emails you receive are more infrequent and more relevant.

Here are two of the most recent examples:

1. If you are getting too many invitations to connect, we have begun to send you a single weekly digest in place of individual emails.

2. If you subscribe to several LinkedIn Groups, we are aggregating the updates from those groups into a single email.

The results so far have been very encouraging. For every 10 emails we used to send, we’ve removed 4 of them. Already, member complaints have been cut in half. And this is just the beginning.

We also want to remind you that we provide the ability to control which emails you want to receive at your desired frequency. All of our emails have an unsubscribe link at the bottom, and you can visit your Settings page to manage your email experience to your liking.

When it comes to your inbox, the message has been received: less is more. We welcome your feedback as we continue to make improvements.

3. Crumbs and Whiskers House Rules
1. Be gentle. And remember that cats are curious, so they will naturally come to you.

2. Cats are… cats. If something goes wrong, please don’t sue the humans. To be safe, we ask that you sign a liability waiver before you visit.

3. Cats eat cat food. People eat people food. Let’s keep it that way.

4. Please don’t wake a sleeping cat. They hate it.

5. Just like us, cats have “stranger danger” instincts too — please don’t pick up cats. It keeps you safe, and the cats stress free.

6. Flash photography hurts. But general photography is awesome.

Addendum (9/27/2015):

More corporatese in plain language:

4. Apple
We’re pleased that you want to invest your talents and time to develop applications for iOS. It has been a rewarding experience — both professionally and financially — for hundreds of thousands of developers and we want to help you join this successful group. We have published our App Store Review Guidelines in the hope that they will help you steer clear of issues as you develop your App and speed you through the approval process when you submit it.

We view Apps different than books or songs, which we do not curate. If you want to criticize a religion, write a book. If you want to describe sex, write a book or a song, or create a medical App. It can get complicated, but we have decided to not allow certain kinds of content in the App Store. It may help to keep some of our broader themes in mind:

* We have lots of kids downloading lots of Apps. Parental controls work great to protect kids, but you have to do your part too. So know that we’re keeping an eye out for the kids.

* We have over a million Apps in the App Store. If your App doesn’t do something useful, unique or provide some form of lasting entertainment, or if your app is plain creepy, it may not be accepted.

* If your App looks like it was cobbled together in a few days, or you’re trying to get your first practice App into the store to impress your friends, please brace yourself for rejection. We have lots of serious developers who don’t want their quality Apps to be surrounded by amateur hour.

* We will reject Apps for any content or behavior that we believe is over the line. What line, you ask? Well, as a Supreme Court Justice once said, “I’ll know it when I see it”. And we think that you will also know it when you cross it.

* If your App is rejected, we have a Review Board that you can appeal to. If you run to the press and trash us, it never helps.

* If you attempt to cheat the system (for example, by trying to trick the review process, steal data from users, copy another developer’s work, or manipulate the ratings) your Apps will be removed from the store and you will be expelled from the developer program.

* This is a living document, and new Apps presenting new questions may result in new rules at any time. Perhaps your App will trigger this.

Lastly, we love this stuff too, and honor what you do. We’re really trying our best to create the best platform in the world for you to express your talents and make a living too. If it sounds like we’re control freaks, well, maybe it’s because we’re so committed to our users and making sure they have a quality experience with our products. Just like almost all of you are, too.