What if We Interpreted the Jargon of Washington, D.C., Literally?

Take it away, Famous D.C.:

Amelia was arrested for running up the flagpole of Cannon.

Amelia dropped $200 at the supply store in Longworth trying to buy more bandwidth.

Amelia was arrested again for flashing tourists as she opened the kimono.

Amelia ordered a lasso on Amazon when her LD asked her to loop in more offices.

Amelia racked up $600 in speeding tickets when the press secretary suggested she run the traps on a press release.

Amelia took up yoga after all the reaching out she was doing.

Amelia embarrassed herself when she showed up to a jam sesh with a PB&J.

Amelia got so dizzy from circling back on her boss’ email that she passed out in the Rayburn Foyer.

Amelia got stuck on the Bay Bridge making a trip to Ocean City to try and help her chief boil the ocean.

Amelia set fire in the intern housing by putting that resolut1on on the back burner (of the stove).

Amelia was arrested yet again for chasing the ducks by the reflecting pool in an effort to get them in a row.

Amelia was lectured by the cops for calling 911 when the LC was not “actually, literally, dying” in that Friday 9:30 AM meeting.

Amelia took up meditation after her Scheduler asked her repeatedly to take something to Hart.

Amelia started doing 50 squats a day when she saw an email about leg staffers being on the path to success.

Amelia got caught by her boss throwing money on the ground because she heard they were dropping a bill today.

Amelia scoured Yelp! for veterinarians who could help make the lame duck better.

Amelia rode the elevator for hours trying to guess which floor was “the floor.”

Amelia re-read the entire Harry Potter series to try and earn Cloak Room status.

Amelia ate nothing but Spaghetti O’s in an effort to learn the alphabet-soup language everyone spoke of.

Amelia went to confession because she felt so guilty about her boss’ plan to kill the bill in committee.

Amelia ordered hearing aids for her boss because she heard he wasn’t attending any hearings.

Amelia bought her boss a Kindle after hearing him yell at the press secretary for not getting him booked on TV.